I have less than a month left of this pregnancy and wanted to share something that has been on my mind these past eight or so months.
I never envisioned myself as a mother.
I wasn’t ever a girl who had long term life goals for a house, husband, and family. I kind of always assumed I’d have those things at some point but I never gave it much thought besides that assumption in the back of my mind.
It was the same Andrew and I got married. I always assumed I’d get married but I never had a vision for how it would look and feel. So when people would ask me things like “what colors/flowers/cake flavor/dress style/etc do you want?” I’d just look at them with a blank face because I’d honestly never given it any thought.
Motherhood is the same way. I assumed I’d have kids one day but I never really thought about it past that point.
Maybe it’s because I don’t have much context for what real “mom-life” will be like. I never have spent much time around babies. I was an only child and the youngest of my cousins that are in my age group/generation. So I was always the baby of my family.
People seem to expect me to be excited and, sure I am happy but excited? I don’t know if that’s the right word. It’s hard for me to get excited about something that I can’t wrap my head around. It still, now, 9 months in, with a tiny person kicking me in the ribs, feels a little surreal, and more than a little abstract.
I had a teacher that used to say “you don’t know what you don’t know” and that’s kind of how I feel right now. All I know that everything is about to change but that’s about the extent of it. I’m trying to plan for the future but how do you manage to do that when you don’t know what to plan for?
I’m a person who likes to have a plan or at least a basic outline so I know what to expect and this is a life event that blows all of that out of the water.
I’m sure once I have a fresh little human in my arms to love on all of this will be behind me but its just right now at this moment, I’m unsure. Unsure of what will change in my life, marriage, and daily routines. Unsure of what kind of parent I’ll be. Unsure of how this will change me as a person.
All I know is that a great change is on the near horizon but that’s about it. And that is a very uncomfortable place for me.
Anyways, I’ve been wanting to put some of these thoughts and feelings into words for the past several months. Especially as I get closer and closer to my due date and get asked “Are you just SO excited?!” multiple times a day.
Regardless of how I feel (‘ready’ is probably the best way to answer that), Andrew and I are in for a wild ride within the next few weeks. Thank you for all of you who have followed along. I hope to entertain you with stories about new parenthood along with fashion content in the not so distant future.
xo – Ana Luiza
Yasss 100% to this! I feel exactly the same way – I always knew I wanted to have kids but i also wasn’t ever someone who was obsessed with the idea or felt like I HAD to have them. As much as I always feel the baby moving it’s so hard to come to terms with that fact that the belly is going to be an actual child in a few weeks. I think I may be in shock at the hospital, haha! You’re going to be a great mom and I’m sure so many people feel the same way. It’s hard to be “excited” about something that you’ve never experienced before!